Randomization

Foo

2009-08-02T19:49:00.002-05:00

- Isn't it a little funny that an administration that is often accused of embracing socialism has more czars than Russia did in its entire history?

- Leapt knee-first into a big rock recently. Not on purpose. 'Twas an accident.

- Rakhi Sawant will:

a) get married to the Canadian dude and never be heard from again.

b) break off the engagement in a month and simultaneously announce season 2 of 'Swayamwar'.

c) announce that she got pregnant during the making of 'Swayamvar' and eliminate all the suspects one at a time in a 12 week long reality show.

Doughnut

2009-03-02T10:40:00.002-05:00

Premature diagnosis

2009-02-12T22:14:00.002-05:00

"Got to be love, cos it's really got me going."

No shit, Sherlock. Ever considered the possibility that someone's slipping Red Bull into your diet soda?

Word association

2009-01-31T23:11:00.002-05:00

* Survey conducted among 112 male and female respondents over 18 years of age in the continental United States.

** Author of this survey is a recent graduate from the James C. Frey School of Factual Accuracy, Utopia AK

Saturation

2009-01-19T20:38:00.002-05:00

God bless us all, god bless Youtube.

Hat-tip : Gonz

Foo

2009-01-17T11:07:00.004-05:00

Who the eff writes an open letter to his children?

No-drama Obama, my ass.

Question.

2008-12-24T17:55:00.003-05:00

Have you ever gone to a health check-up and had the doctor say "Your test results were.... ummm... interesting."?

Just wondering.

India Trip

2008-05-23T10:26:00.000-05:00

Scariest Moment

The Delhi daredevil's driving.

WTF moment

Coke ad

Heartwarming moment

Mumbai Dyeing

Back-to-the-good-old-days moment

Jayasuriya.

Pro-Walmart rally

2008-05-23T10:04:00.007-05:00

Say what you want about Walmart, but they pick up their phone at 5 am on a Friday morning [1]. And they sell gym shorts for $3.50.

Long live Arkansas. Down with < Insert your state here > .

[1] And no, it wasn't a call center in Noida.

Cluttered desk, cluttered mind

2008-04-24T17:01:00.002-05:00

Foo

2008-04-06T11:59:00.008-05:00

- There is nothing quite as humbling as running a 5K, and getting your ass kicked by the elderly.

- The Marriott that I recently went to had the fastest elevator I've ever seen. You get in at the lobby, and by the time you can blink in slow motion, a deep voice above your head is saying 'Third floor'. Freaky.

-

Jalaa do ise, phoonk dalo yeh duniya
mere saamne se hataa do yeh duniya
tumhari hai tumhi sambhalo yeh duniya

Nobody does moral indignation quite like Sahir Ludhianvi.

Sainya sainya Sehari
Lagen hai mohe sexy
Chain mere dil ka chura gaya

Nobody does unpretentiousness quite like Vishal Dadlani.

- Pop quiz :

When Gabbar said 'Ab tera kya hoga Kaaliya', the probability of Kaliya surviving was (Assume that Gabbar wouldn't cheated later) :

a) 0%

b) 25%

c) 50%

d) 100%

Big give

2008-03-10T09:23:00.001-05:00

At the end of each hour, the contestants must face a panel of three expert judges who will judge them on their leadership, accomplishments, creativity and presentation.

Competitive charity. Screw that.

Foo

2008-02-04T12:14:00.000-05:00

Drivel. One is inundated by it.

Mr India

2008-01-31T14:40:00.000-05:00

I like Mr India because it is a simple movie about the simple joys of life. It is about good natured bickering, about dancing in the rain, and yes, about the little things in life that make Mogambo happy.

In a world where the demons that haunt us aren't conveniently named Daaga and Teja, where separating right and wrong isn't as simple as sorting out white stones from rice, it's nice to imagine that a cloak of invisibility is all that it takes to make everything alright.

Heh.

2008-01-28T11:15:00.000-05:00

Aap aaye, to kitna mazaa aa gaya
Milan woh nashaa hai jo judaai ka gham bhula gaya

- Residual effect of watching Umrao Jaan last night

48 Hour Mystery

2008-01-23T11:25:00.000-05:00

What ist the foo project?

Question

2008-01-21T12:02:00.000-05:00

The suggestion is this: All PhD degrees must have an expiry date. The reasons for putting in an expiry date are so self-evident that they do not merit reiteration.

T C A Srinivasa-Raghavan is so convinced about the strength of his argument that he doesn't bother to actually make it in his article that proposes, for unknown (yet self-evident) reasons, the imposition of an expiry date on PhDs.

It's hard to refute an argument when you don't know what it is; perhaps Mr Srinivasa-Raghavan is taking a leaf out of The Art of War which says : "Hence that general is skillful in attack whose opponent does not know what to defend; and he is skillful in defense whose opponent does not know what to attack."

It annoys me when people act like educational degrees are certificates of suitability for employment; they are meant only to be benchmarks that define the knowledge that one has gained. Periodic renewals make sense for professional certifications, but a PhD is not [1] a sufficient condition for obtaining any employment. In fact, most PhD students I know would say that it's completely unrelated to anything that happens in the real world.

So the question is :

What were you thinking, Mr Srinivasa-Raghavan?

[1] It shouldn't be, at least.

Question

2008-01-07T10:36:00.000-05:00

What's wrong with us?

Pirates of the new world

2007-12-30T13:05:00.000-05:00

It's so darned easy to become a pirate these days, isn't it?

Download a couple of songs illegally, and you get to add the Jolly Roger to your online avatar. Download a couple of movies, and the MPAA chases you across the high seas.

When they make a Pirate movie a hundred years from now, I can imagine its final scene :

/* MPAA honcho and his minions walk away after declining to file charges against the hero, who is a plump teenager with horn-rimmed spectacles. */

Keira Knightley's father : So, this is the path you've chosen? After all, he is a C# programmer.

Keira Knightley : No......... He's a pirate.

/* Kiss */

Web 2.0

2007-12-29T12:28:00.000-05:00

User-generated content. (Warning: Don't play this at work. And please please, reduce your speaker volume)

Welcome to the new world. Scary, isn't it?

Photo

2007-12-28T10:56:00.000-05:00

Java Dave's Push Play Cafe, with help from AutoStich.

Question

2007-12-27T12:11:00.000-05:00

Isn't cleaning one's bathroom a rather counter-intuitive exercise? You have to touch things that you're too disgusted to look at.

P.S. : Thank god for disposable gloves.

Freak show - Part 2

2007-12-22T11:31:00.000-05:00

When life gives you Gators, make Gatorade.

Freak show

2007-12-20T11:24:00.001-05:00

Yeah! Yeah!! Who da man? huh? Who da man??

-Me : After I snuck through two lights the precise instant before they turned red.

Oh.

- Me : After the third light finally gets me and I watch the traffic catch up with me.

Multimedia

2007-11-29T09:45:00.000-05:00

- Ever noticed how putting peas in Maggi noodles makes you feel so much healthier?

- The Indian store here has an astounding collection of B grade Bollywood cinema, including the modern day classic 'Parveen Bobby'.

- Third best song ever written.

- Fourth best song ever written.

- Key West

- I love country music. They have songs about pick-up trucks and watermelons.

Alliterative irony

2007-10-26T10:01:00.000-05:00

Hybrid Hummer.

Foo

2007-10-22T11:12:00.000-05:00

- The one enduring memory I have from the T20 world cup is Misbah-ul-Haq's classical leg glance for four off a middle stump delivery from Brett Lee. It was a thing of quiet beauty that stood out among all the razzmatazz, like a serving of curd rice does in a five-star buffet.

- The way I look at it, Al Gore is not all that different from the man who allegedly defeated him in the 2000 election. I believe that quackery and fear mongering are never justified, regardless of how noble one's cause is.

- I don't like the 'Aussies suck' chants. We don't have to live up to some ill-defined standard of a gentleman's game, but I don't see why we should indulge in boorish behavior just because we can.

- This is a recycled thought, but 7.30 am traffic jams are an absolute travesty.

Best song ever sung

2007-10-04T09:48:00.000-05:00

Here.

PS: Inspired by Gary's comment, of course.

Second best song ever written

2007-09-27T17:45:00.000-05:00

Get this widget

Track details

eSnips Social DNA

Foo

2007-09-13T17:10:00.000-05:00

- You know how you're at the doctor's and he/she says something like 'It might be a recurring endoglycoma' and you're thinking 'What, you think you're Gregory House now? Just give me some freaking pills and let me go.'

- When I was about to leave for school today, there was both bright sunshine and strong rain. The gods always give us such mixed signals.

- Things always change, sooner than you want them to.

- 'There's some serious irony here' : My first thought when I accidentally swallowed a lozenge and almost choked to death.

The true foo.

2007-09-10T13:21:00.000-05:00

You may have been wondering about the recent lack of foo. Why isn't he writing anything, you may have wondered, 'a foo post at the very least, how hard can that be?'

One doesn't blame you. But you must know that for all its apparent simplicity, achieving the true foo is no easy thing. Not everything funny qualifies as foo, unlike what the general reader may believe. In fact, it takes a very discerning person to know the true foo from the wannabe foo (which can overwhelm with its sheer volume). One wishes that there was a simple set of rules that could be put down here for the general reader's benefit. But alas, it is not so. The true foo is sublime and nuanced. It cannot be defined and cast into a mould.

It takes a certain sort of sensibility to tell the true foo apart from everything else. Such a sensibility, like all sensibilities go, is a temperamental and sensitive thing. It takes offence at imagined insults, or sometimes, it decides to sulk because the morning was overcast. But when it sparkles, it blinds with its brightness, and the end result is true foo that stuns you with its sheer brilliance and simplicity.

Every once in a while, it also needs a holiday.

Guest post by n, whose FMA [1] is rivaled by none.

[1] Please ask the inventor of the term for its expansion

The best song ever written

2007-09-06T11:51:00.000-05:00

Get this widget

Track details

Photo

2007-08-29T12:19:00.001-05:00

Fungoid leaves

Foo

2007-08-17T13:03:00.000-05:00

- The disappointments that hurt the most are the ones that once promised so much.

- I saw a guy in school on Sunday, wearing a white formal shirt and pyjamas. I nodded knowingly and thought "Aha! Laundry day".

- Boredom is a horrible horrible thing [1].

- I suspect that the people who believe that the world was created by an intelligent designer have never driven in California.

- It's incredibly hard to find somebody who wants the same things as you do.[2] Especially when you don't know what you want.

- I have a theory that communist societies produce more philosophers than 'free' societies do. In a communist society even slackers have to work same as anyone else. So while hard-working capitalists are working extra to compensate for the slackers in their society, hard-working communists are busy writing brilliant philosophy instead.

[1] Please see previous post for evidence of the statement.

[2] I was going to put a comma, but I think the period is infinitely better.

Art

2007-08-01T14:36:00.000-05:00

bit
byte
bit
byte
bit
byte
bit
byte
bit
byte
bit
byte
bit
byte
bit
byte
bit
byte
bit
byte
bit
byte
bit
byte
bit
byte
bit
byte
bit
byte
bit
byte
bit
byte
bit
byte
bit

PS: Go figure.

Hmmm

2007-07-23T06:40:00.000-05:00

I was driving to work at 7.15am this morning [1], and it was like rush hour traffic out there. When I reached the department, all the entrances to the building except the one farthest from the parking garage were locked [2].

There is something seriously wrong with this world and with the people who live in it.

[1] purely out of compulsion

[2] I guess I should be thankful for the fact that I could just pull it open. Sometimes even that door opens only if you press the handicapped button.

Psst

2007-07-14T15:11:00.000-05:00

- Contrary to popular belief, a car remains fully functional even if the clutch isn't.

- My new pair of shoes are wider than my old ones used to be [1]. As a result, I kick myself now whenever I have to press the clutch and the brake at the same time. Life is tough.

- I like filling up online registration forms. They ask me all these questions that I know the answer to. It makes me feel smart.

- Growing up isn't as bad as I feared it would be. I haven't had to completely give up my moronism, I've only needed to put it aside every once in a while.

[1] That's not a ghastly euphemism to say that I had organ enhancement therapy or something, I really am talking about my footwear.

Silver lining

2007-07-06T10:39:00.000-05:00

The weather's been stormy around here for the last few days. The good thing about that is that the rains have washed away all the dirt from my windshield, and I no longer have to tilt my head at very precise angles to be able to see the road.

Fooo

2007-07-02T21:11:00.000-05:00

- There was a story about these people who broke into this house and stole some puppies in the news tonight. Reminded me of the 'Five find-outers'.

- Why do some people refer to browsing the web as surfing?

- I'm tired.

- Doesn't everybody think of themselves as an oddball loser at some point of time or the other? Doesn't everyone have phases where they have to struggle for things that come easily to other people?

- I didn't really want to do this. I was threatened.

Foo

2007-06-21T13:57:00.000-05:00

When Arjuna killed a deer (musk),
Kunti was happy and gave him a rusk.

Then Bhima broke an elephant's tusk,
and Kunti brusquely said "tsk tsk."

But Yudhishtra speared a mollusc,
after which Nakula lanced a cusk,
so Kunti lost it and called PETA.

- Partly conceived by Megha

Perspective

2007-06-19T14:36:00.000-05:00

Me: "If the earth was flat, my calculations would be so trivial. The curvature of the earth is really pushing me around."

My prof: "That's true, but then people would be falling of the edge of the earth all the time. We got a pretty good deal, don't you think?"[1]

[1] Or something to that effect.

Epiphany

2007-06-18T18:16:00.000-05:00

If you buy chips and guacamole, and you finish the chips on the way back to the lab, you'll have to eat the guacamole by itself.

I said

2007-06-08T23:30:00.000-05:00

One life. Live it.

-Before trying the chilly pakoda at the Indian restaurant.

I think we would probably be able to do it if we had more data. But given the circumstances, this is the best we can do.

-To my advisor.

I'm interested in the Paris Hilton case purely from a legal standpoint.

-To a girl I met today.

I still appreciate having met you, because of the music you introduced me to.

-To a girl I used to know rather well.

Foo

2007-06-07T10:43:00.000-05:00

I think I've figured out who I am. I'm the kid you see around downtown leaning on a pillar, just staring into empty space. Not because he is high or anything, but out of complete disinterest towards the world, except for how it exists in his head.

But I think I'd like to change, and I just made a powerful statement of intent to herald the new me. I created a folder called 'Dissertation' on my computer.

Less is more?

2007-06-06T19:11:00.000-05:00

The comments on this post got me wondering about why most Americans seem to know so little about the world outside America, especially since a majority of the ones I've met seem to be genuinely curious about other cultures.

I wonder if it's because the local coverage here is so overwhelming. I wonder if I would have ever heard of Obasanjo and Mugabe if I had needed to go through fifty pages of local news before I got to them.

A contest

2007-05-31T18:59:00.000-05:00

I was at a conference recently, being completely disinterested in people who were equally disinterested in me, when I had a brief conversation with somebody rather interesting. I regret to inform you that my interest in her was due to the fact that she was a pretty Bangalorean rather than her pioneering work in the field of thermal modeling of gate arrays.

In typical LDG [1] fashion, I was going to hunt this girl down on Orkut and ask her to be my friend. But then I figured that it would be more fun to tap into the considerable interest that the members of the desi blogosphere seem to have in matters of this kind.

So without further ado, I present to you the details of the 'Lamest ever Orkut challenge' :

1. The objective is to come up with the most outrageously inappropriate (but hilarious) 'let's be friends' Orkut approach possible, one that will make the aforementioned girl ignore every bit of good sense and get her to form a close and deep friendship with me.

2. The reward is this Blogger T-shirt OR the entire amount in my bank account (depending on which ever has lower value when the contest terminates).

3. The current jury for the contest consists solely of the precipitatory one. The search for other qualified [2] judges continues.

4. All entries must be submitted as comments on this post before June 15th, 2007.

[1] Lame Desi Guy

[2] Pretty and female.

Question

2007-05-29T09:33:00.000-05:00

Can evolution go backwards? Is it possible that some genetic mutation crap happened and I went to being more similar to the apes instead of less [1]? That would explain a lot of things.

[1] No disrespect meant towards my father's ancestors who were, by all accounts, very fine people.

Some questions for myself

2007-05-24T17:05:00.000-05:00

1. WTF?

2. What is wrong with you?

3. Why are you such a big baby?

4. Why won't you work?

5. Why do you keep screwing up so often?

6. Why don't you understand?

7. Who are you?

8. What do you want?

9. How did you end up being so screwed up?

11. Do you know how to count?

12. What?

14. You're not superstitious, are you?

15. You do realize you have a paper to write, right?

16. You do realize your mom will freak out when she reads the previous one, right?

17. You really have to wear a suit next week?

18. Are you auditioning to be a Geico caveman or something?

Tagged by Pri. Tag Megha and Revealed.

Question

2007-05-23T21:35:00.000-05:00

I suck at conversation, so why exactly am I attempting to become a teacher?

My birthday gift to myself

2007-05-20T10:04:00.000-05:00

I cannot either throw or catch it properly. Given my track record in cricket, it is unlikely that I ever will. Given my track record in cricket, it is also unlikely that I will ever stop playing it with exaggeratedly grim determination but with total disregard to appropriate technique. And finally, it's really unlikely that playing with it will ever stop making me happier.

In sport, as perhaps in life, the only real losers are the ones who stay out of the game because they're not good enough.

Two songs

2007-05-18T14:39:00.000-05:00

A song from an occasional reader of this blog:

A song from a less occasional reader from this blog:

My birthday gift.

2007-05-17T20:54:00.000-05:00

Before:

After:

Questions

2007-05-17T01:59:00.000-05:00

- Does everyone refer to Jodie Foster as 'Engliss Vijayshanti', or did somebody I know come up with the term?

- Is it weird that I think Mandira Bedi is amazing? If it is, is it more or less weird than me having a crush on Queen Latifah?

- Is there a dirtier team on the planet than the San Antonio Spurs?

- Does anybody feel an inexplicable urge to do me a favor without asking any questions[1]? If yes, will such people be willing to email me any song(s) that they particularly like?

[1] Except for the extremely valid question 'What's your email id?'. Just so you know, my email's on my profile.

Panic mode

2007-05-14T08:26:00.000-05:00

How does one speak about negative feedback for half a class? I have exactly five sentences to say.

Update: It was brutal. I survived though. I'm just not sure right now that it's a good thing I did.

Screw the break.

2007-05-12T15:20:00.000-05:00

- I went on a really short road trip recently. The most interesting place I found along the way was this Perkins, where the urinal was so high that I actually had to hold my thing at an inclination of approximately 35 degrees to be able to pee in it.

- I'm going to be teaching a class over the summer. It's time to start ironing my clothes again. Sigh.

- I don't think unequal relationships are unhealthy in themselves. I don't think it's unhealthy to like somebody more than they like you, to want their company more than they want yours, to be willing to do more for them than they are willing to do for you. I think it's only unhealthy if you develop a false sense of entitlement, if you start believing that you deserve to be treated by everybody exactly the same way as you treat them.

- A very wise friend of mine says that one should do something outrageous when one is feeling down. I'm actively considering following her advice. Like some movie character famously said (I think): somebody stop me!!!!!

A break from the break

2007-05-11T14:24:00.000-05:00

No, I didn't grow up. Somebody really special came along and made sure that I didn't need to.

I'm still not back though.I have a few moments of truth coming up in the next few days. I hope that when it's all done I'll be satisfied with the way I've dealt with things, and not merely relieved that I've survived them.

-KG

PS: I gave up on the growing up thing, btw. I did something crazy while I was gone. I'm planning to do something really crazy while I'm going to be gone.

A break

2007-04-24T07:01:00.000-05:00

I'll be back when I've grown up. Thanks for everything.

Deep thoughts?

2007-04-22T07:50:00.000-05:00

My stay in grad school hasn't been a particularly efficient learning experience. When I graduate, I would have learnt only as much in my 10 years of college as what smart undergrads learn in 4 years. My 'research' work is not dissimilar [1] to the kind of analysis that I imagine idle secretaries indulge in when they make estimations about the love lives of their bosses based on the amount of paper they are shredding.

But there's one lesson that I have learnt in grad school that I will never forget: Incredibly smart people are perfectly capable of doing immensely stupid things. I will never believe something again just because it's coming from people who know what they're talking about.

[1] either in spirit or in complexity

Foo

2007-04-18T08:08:00.000-05:00

1. "She's putting out like a police prostitute"
- My mechanic tells me the good news about my hitherto dead car battery.

2. Spent half an hour looking for a parking spot yesterday morning. The simple things that make life worth living.

3. Have you had one of those moments where you think you're saying something so clever that you actually start imagining the wonderful things the other person is going to say about you? And then you realize that you're just being a little twit and it takes your breath away.

4. Every once in a while, aloneness is even better than good company.[1]

5. I think I'm going to try and live a little today, without doing anything very different from the usual stuff. We'll see how that goes.

[1] I was going to say that the sound of silence is better than the sound of laughter, but then I decided that it was about time I got over myself.

An open letter

2007-04-16T08:43:00.000-05:00

To Anybody who's talked to me in the last couple of days,

I realize I've been a big baby, and I'm sorry I offloaded my self-absorbed angst on you. But I can't really say that I'm going to change, or that it won't happen again. Honestly, I don't even think there's anything wrong with big babies. I think they're just as cute as small babies [1], and they are possibly a little more amusing because they speak a language that you can actually understand.

In summary, I hope you found me more amusing than unpleasant. If you didn't, too bad. Your fault really, you shouldn't have been so nice.

Sincerely,
Kaushik

[1] Unfortunately they don't look as cute, which is why they don't get kissed as much. Or at all.

Friday the 13th

2007-04-13T20:15:00.000-05:00

The Sound of silence.

Hypothetical question

2007-04-11T07:04:00.000-05:00

Imagine that you've left a really long program running through the night, and you discover the next morning that Windows has killed it and restarted the computer because it needed to install an update. And that you needed the results of that program for a conference abstract that's due in a few hours.

What would you do?

PS: There's a really thick fog around this morning. In Orlando, in April.

Infinite loop

2007-04-11T06:14:00.000-05:00

Wild world.

Question and a possibly unrelated answer

2007-04-09T08:21:00.001-05:00

What's the point of fitting a post into exactly 55 words if you're not going to follow any of the rules?

The key thing, as a very wise person told somebody I know, is to not take oneself too seriously.

Another morose 55

2007-04-09T08:04:00.000-05:00

When someone close to your heart dies, that person takes a part of you along with them. There are things that you can't enjoy any more, songs that you can't listen to, places that you can't visit and books that you cannot read.

I'm grieving today. I mourn the death of a particularly special dream.

Question

2007-04-05T08:25:00.000-05:00

Why doesn't my code work?

PS: Bonus question: Who came up with the abomination that is fat free milk?

Update:

Note to self: Clear the freaking memory before you use it.

Blogging

2007-04-03T06:40:00.000-05:00

Blogging has started again, inspired by the discovery[1] that I had my shirt on inside out all day yesterday[2]. I think it's quite revealing that an incorrectly worn shirt has done what a contentious seminar on global warming[3] could not do.

A person I know recently tried to convince me that I am not an idiot. I hope that person is stunned into shocked silence[4] when she reads this.

[1] Made while brushing this morning

[2] Which might possibly explain why everybody was smiling so much, though it might just have been the excellent weather.

[3] The guy says global warming is mostly caused by the variation in the radiation from the sun and proposes sending many umbrella type reflectors into space to reflect away the sunlight.[5]

[4] Knowing her, however, that is very unlikely. Hehehehehe.

[5] But that wasn't was what almost inspired a post. It was the fact that he complained that the debate was getting too political, and then kept saying things like "Why should we care if the polar bears die? Animals die all the time".

Given that the science is (and is going to be) unclear on what influences global warming by how much and what the impact of this warming will be, we have to decide how much risk we are bear without trying to do something about it, and how much damage to the environment we are willing to tolerate. These seem to be inherently political decisions to me.

Sorry

2007-03-20T11:31:00.000-05:00

For not replying to your comments for a while. I took my break really seriously.

-Kaushik

Fooo

2007-03-19T16:21:00.000-05:00

- I was roaming around Boston for a bit last week and discovered that the rule for crossing roads in Boston is like it is in India:"Look left, look right, look left, don't bother looking at the walk sign"

- When you wake up at 3:45am to catch a flight, it's a bad idea to wake up and start thinking: "Man, I'm just going to get into the flight and start sleeping. I'm going to do nothing but sleep. Just sleep. Sleep.......". Bad things happen when you do that.

- Sometimes I wonder if I just forgot to grow up. I went to the Museum of Science in Boston, and the most exciting part of the visit was the ice cream in the museum cafe.

- I spent a really cold evening walking around MIT. I was hoping that the visit would inspire me to attempt to do something good with my life, but it didn't really work out that way. It reminded me of the time when the guru said: "Change has to come from inside you. New people and new places can help facilitate change, but only if you really want that change".

- It's sometimes easy to start feeling weird about being around people who are not like you, to say "They're the cool type with a rollicking sex life and 15 exes, I haven't even been to a sex education class", to start putting people into discrete slots.

It has taken the silent wisdom of a really dear friend to remind me that some of the categories that we place people in exist only in our imaginations, and that the bonds that draw us to people are far more powerful than the differences that sometimes distance us from them.

Life

2007-03-17T14:33:00.000-05:00

I know I'm going to be accused of peddling gender stereotypes, but I'll say the following anyway.

You can't eat on the floor watching TV, you can't bad-mouth random celebrities without good reason, you can't complain about watching random Nicholas Cage movies, but man, life is so much better when there's a girl around.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you: The Nameless Snowman, conceived and created by the girl in Boston, most of the drudgery done by her husband and myself.

Thought

2007-03-13T19:32:00.000-05:00

Have you ever had one of those conversations where you're convinced that you're being an absolute bore, but the other person insists that they're having the time of their lives?

I imagine that's how it feels like when you're having sex, you're embarrassed that you don't have any clothes on, but the other person thinks it's just splendid that you aren't wearing any.

Foo

2007-03-09T10:33:00.000-05:00

- Has anybody else ever got the impression that the Matching socks problem violates the pigeonhole principle? I have six or seven different types of socks, but sometimes I pull out like 10 socks from my heap[1] of clothes and no two of them seem to match.

- Overheard this girl talking in the parking lot:

"Even if they give us a 25% discount on 450 bucks, that's like...... that's like....... that's like.........."

At this point I was thinking "I'm going to kiss you if you get this right, even if it means doing time in jail"

"that's like 80 freaking bucks."

I'm not sure if it's a sign of how old I am, or of how stupid I am, that I was actually feeling happy about the fact that I could divide by 4 in my head. Mostly though, I'm just happy that I'm not posting this from jail.

- I'm tired of women (well-intentioned women I admit) telling me that I'm too nice. I think back longingly of the good old days when life was simpler, and women wouldn't have anything to do with me because I was a creep.

[1] Spent quite some time thinking about how best to describe a disordered set of clothes. Thought heap was more precise than stack or pile.

FYI

2007-03-07T08:24:00.000-05:00

Tutee is a proper word. It exists in the dictionary. It gives around 150000 hits when you search for it on Google, some of them on the websites of very prestigious universities.[1]

A tutee is not the same thing as a student. Tutees make you feel special because they are willing to pay tons of money just to have you watch them do math. Students don't make you feel special. They make you want to hide in some Himalayan cave. When you screw something up, they make it a point to ask you about it exactly two weeks after the fact, just when you have gotten over the embarrassment and the humiliation. If you think a tutee and a student are the same thing, you probably also think that Dick Cheney and Ellen DeGeneres look like identical twins.

[1] In the interest of full disclosure, it does not however appear as a word in Blogger's spell check.

Fiction (55)

2007-03-06T09:10:00.000-05:00

I remember how ashamed I was of the person I had become. I remember the years when I withdrew into myself, years of penance to atone for my mistakes. I remember how I thought I had become a saint.

I look at the tears in her eyes, and I realize I am still the same.

Whine

2007-02-26T07:45:00.000-05:00

My head spins like a Murali chuck,[1]
I can almost feel my heart ache.
Insecurity gnaws at my existence,
every moment that I'm awake.

Maybe I'll go to the gym everyday,
run a 1000 laps, just work it all out.
Or maybe I'll drink gallons of beer,
and just become a drunken old lout.[2]

Maybe it'll work out and I'll be a prof soon,
or maybe I'll just discover a gold mine.
But one thing I know I will do for sure,
I'll immediately stop with this silly whine.

[1] Flippant reference. No aspersions on the legality of Murali's action were intended.

[2] Amma: Just kidding, relax.

Imaginary conversations: The complete set

2007-02-22T11:45:00.000-05:00

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Just so that more people don't only read the last one and get offended by the stereotypes.

Coming next: Foo: The complete set and Fooo: The complete set.

To whomsoever it may concern

2007-02-22T08:14:00.000-05:00

I do not condescend.

I try to con people occasionally. And I descend every time I ascend, in accordance with the second corollary of the first law of Yin and Yang [1].

But I never ever condescend.

[1] What goes up must come down.

Foo

2007-02-21T12:45:00.000-05:00

- This girl I know has the weird notion that flipping frozen chappathis on a tava is such a trivial exercise that it's impossible to screw it up. I was going to disabuse her of the silly idea by telling her the famous tale of the undercooked chappathis and the burnt elbow, but then I figured that ignorance is bliss and just let it go.

- There's this Indian girl in my university, when I walk past her in the corridor and I say Hi, she just looks right through me and doesn't reply. Every time.[1] And I've seen a couple of other Indian girls do the same thing. And it's not like there's bad blood between us and I've dumped their best friend or anything. Not only have I never spoken to them before in my life, I've also probably never spoken to anybody who's spoken to them.

The whole thing just confounds me.

- I wonder if Newton turns 180 degrees in his grave whenever somebody says 'Every action has an equal and opposite reaction' on TV to defend some act of mob violence or vigilante justice or some other act of random hooliganism.

[1] I keep saying Hi because it's like a reflex action, you know. One doesn't actually reflect before saying Hi to someone who walks past.

Another thought

2007-02-18T23:33:00.000-05:00

My bathroom sink invariably has an ant[1] that keeps scurrying around pointlessly. I always wait till it's at a safe place before turning on the tap. I used to think that I was just trying to be a nice person, but now I think that it's just that the ant reminds me of myself.

[1] I don't know the ant(s) well enough to know if it's the same ant, but there's always one numbers of ant in the sink.

Two questions

2007-02-18T22:50:00.000-05:00

1. Can you ask people for advice after you say 'screw you' to them?

2. Should I discuss my latest career plans with my prof tomorrow? I'm quite excited about them, but I'm somewhat afraid that it is unwise to tell him that so soon.

Screw you.

2007-02-18T21:49:00.000-05:00

Screw the whole lot of you. The nice ones, the mean ones, the nasty ones.

All you numerous gods, I beseech you to use your powers divine,
and make everybody's loathsome existence as miserable as mine.

PS: If you care: I'm quitting school, coming/going back to India, and joining the Army.

PPS: See you in Bangalore in a couple of months. Heh.

Confession et al.

2007-02-13T09:22:00.000-05:00

- For some inexplicable reason, I've always thought that voluptuous meant the same thing as voluminous. So when somebody would describe some woman as being voluptuous, I'd be thinking "Come on, she's definitely not voluptuous. What's with people these days and their impossible standards of thinness anyway?"[1].

- I locked myself out of my car the other day. I was trying to park in the driveway of a tutee's house and there was this huge dog who was acting like he[2] didn't really like the idea. Kept coming in the way and giving me minor heart attacks. So with all that happening, I forgot to take my keys out and had to call AAA.

- There are occasions when I bemoan the lack of adventure in my life. But then I'll need to drive somewhere, and there will be no further lack of adventure. Silver lining of owning a stick-shift, I suppose.

[1] I could see from the context that it was meant to be complimentary, but I figured that they just meant that the person in question was curvy.

[2] Or she. Who knows these things?

The one after the last one.

2007-02-10T21:51:00.000-05:00

She said : "Do I look fat?"

He said : "That's a pointless question really. Even if you did, would I ever admit it?"

She said : "You know, I could just kill you and make it look like a suicide. Crazy looking grad student goes off his rocker and kills himself, nobody will have trouble believing it."

He said : "Oh oh. Umm. Could you repeat the question please? I don't think I heard it right."

She said : "I look fat, don't I? I could afford to lose a few pounds, I suppose."

He said: "You're totally not fat. There's a little room for improvement in the sense that you could gain a few pounds, and not remind me of those silly supermodels on TV. It's completely ridiculous to even suggest that you look fat."

She said: "You learn too slowly my friend, but you learn."

Motivational speaker-ese (After a long time.)

2007-02-09T13:40:00.000-05:00

When you really want something, it's really easy to convince yourself that you can't live without it. But quite often you don't get what you want, and then you discover that there are other things that work just as well for you.

The key to happiness is to develop the ability to be flippant with ones greatest desires.

Hat-tip: Revealed for explaining to me what the word flippant means.

Foo

2007-02-07T09:21:00.000-05:00

- Today's weather according to Yahoo:

High: 74 degrees

Low: 50 degrees

Current temperature: 49 degrees

- Today's fortune in Orkut:

A friend asks only for your time not your money

- My kitchen was smelling of cooking gas this morning. I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing that we use an electric range and not a gas stove.

The world is full of little mysteries, I suppose.

- Is it better to teach or to learn? Philosophical question for you to ponder.

Brevity?

2007-02-01T15:47:00.000-05:00

I just sent the following email:

Ms Carpenter,

Thank you.

Regards,
Kaushik Gopalan

Heh.

Foooo

2007-01-30T11:35:00.000-05:00

- You discover interesting things about yourself when you file your taxes. I had always thought that I was a Non Resident Indian who resides in the United States. But the IRS informs me that I'm a Non Resident Alien in the US, which means that I don't really live anywhere, that I'm the man who doesn't reside.

The moral of the story, of course, is 'File your taxes and discover yourself'.

- I paid an unexpected visit to my mechanic yesterday. I fully expected to be on the verge of financial ruin, but the problem turned out to be a trivial thing that could be fixed for free.

The mechanic, by the way, is a charming old man who claims that the world is full of imbeciles and that he's tired of dealing with them all his life. Every time I visit him (or the lady who takes care of the web courses in our university) , I come back with renewed faith in humanity.

- I can't imagine how people work with two monitors connected to their computer. Things keep popping up at random places, and I never know where to look.

Bitterness

2007-01-26T14:18:00.000-05:00

When something unpleasant happens to you, it's surprisingly easy to convince yourself that you're a victim, that other people treated you unfairly, that they are responsible for your problems.

But you can never let yourself wallow too long in the bitterness, because bitterness makes you unreasonable.

Fooo

2007-01-24T18:43:00.000-05:00

- Have you had one of those 'aha!' moments: when you've been been waiting for the elevator for an incredibly long time and then you realize that it won't come unless you push the button?

- You know what I want to know: What kind of people come up with the washing instructions on clothes?

Wash separately. Don't machine wash or dry clean. Do not tumble dry. Do not expose to sunlight.

Are you freaking kidding me?

- Shit happens.

Man, is that true or what?

- When I was in college, I once told my favorite uncle that I wasn't going to have dinner because I was too tired to eat. He yelled at me. I had dinner.

Remembered for no reason.

Foo

2007-01-23T09:17:00.000-05:00

- I am proud of my humility. That might sound contradictory initially, but I have a strong suspicion that if one thinks about it hard enough, it makes sense.

- Most probably, I think, if I ever attend a class again, I'll be the one who's speaking. Makes you feel a little good, a little old.

- Mouthwash.

I have a little experiment for you: Try saying "Wikipedia is not the best invention of the 21st century." with a straight face.

You can't, can you?

- If you can understand Tamil, I recommend you watch this 'Vijaya T Rajendhar' interview. If you can't, I recommend that you watch him dance at the very least.

- Heh heh. Ladies and gentlemen, I am back.

Two

2007-01-22T21:00:00.000-05:00

He looked at her crying, and smiled sadly.

He knew he could make her understand; he had been her best friend, her guide, for almost all her life.

She sat up and put her head on his shoulder.

Appa, I know you’re ashamed of what I have done, but I will not have an abortion.

Hurl your stones, throw your daggers, shoot your arrows, unleash your attack dogs.
Bring on the pain, the darkness, the misery.
Insult me, abuse me, despise me, deceive me, betray me.
Steal my every belonging; take away every happy thought in my being.
Do the worst you can.
I have no fear.
I am indestructible.

Blogging

2007-01-22T16:00:00.000-05:00

- So, I've had things to do for the last couple of weeks.

I haven't been so busy that I didn't have the time to blog, but when you're preoccupied with things you don't take the time and effort to notice stuff like how the girl at the coffee shop can make 'Have a nice day' sound like an insult.

And I can't blog if I don't notice stuff like that.

See my problem?

Randomness

2007-01-16T09:29:00.000-05:00

The couple sitting in front of me were indulging in a very public display of rather overwhelming affection.

The girl was wearing a burqa.

I was thinking "Man, this is a truly wonderful country."

PS: Before somebody misinterprets me, I meant that in a completely complimentary and non-sarcastic way.

Question

2007-01-12T14:12:00.000-05:00

Has anyone else ever noticed how particular science majors are about using the words 'hypothesis' and 'theory' precisely, while engineering majors just use the terms interchangeably (mostly to describe ideas that they pull out of their posteriors) ?

Still

2007-01-11T09:31:00.000-05:00

These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?

Shit.

Heh heh.

The one that got away

2007-01-10T08:45:00.000-05:00

- Programming on this blog might be slow for a little while. Some good things are happening, some bad things are happening, but in general too many things are happening.

- School is open again, so the lines are too long at the food places and it's impossible to find parking.

I think undergrads are like women: you can't live with them, you can't live without them.

-

These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted games we're playing

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?

Dave Matthews Band : The Space Between

Stuck in my head.

General thought

2007-01-07T09:43:00.000-05:00

You know what the best thing about having a girlfriend would be [1]? The complete absence of free will. Isn't it wonderful when somebody bosses you around and makes your decisions for you?

[1] Amma: The italicized 'would be' indicates that I don't have a girlfriend. Just making sure everything is absolutely clear. [2]

[2] General public: Yes, my mom reads my blog. Please not to make any smart ass comments about it. Thank you.

Warning: Mush

2007-01-04T12:25:00.000-05:00

Do you know how it is when you know somebody for a long time but you don't reach out, because you don't think you're good enough for them? And then one day, for no reason, you reach across to them and find yourself starting the journey of a lifetime.

I know.

All these years that I've been going to the coffee shop, I never ordered a spinach croissant because I didn't know how to pronounce it. Yesterday, for no reason, I bit the bullet, and now I know that we're going to be seeing each other for a long time.

Mini rant

2007-01-02T17:08:00.000-05:00

The thing that gets my blood boiling the most [1] is when websites issue you stern warnings not to click the "Authorize Payment" button more than once to avoid duplicate charges. Dude/Dudette, why can't you just disable the freaking button after I've clicked on it once?

I'm the kind of person who answers "I don't know" to approximately 72.8% of the questions people ask me and even I know how to do that.

[1] People who skip meals because they're afraid of getting fat come a close second.

Last one: I promise.

2007-01-01T11:44:00.000-05:00

He said : "Oops, sorry. Forgot I was in fourth gear."

She said : "Remind me to teach you how to drive, ok."

He said : "You shouldn't be talking really, after the accident you had. As bone-jarring and shudder-inducing as my driving is, at least it's not life threatening."

She said : "Let me ask you this question, however much I dread your answer. Why do you always park your car at the first spot in the first parking lot you encounter, with no apparent regard to where your destination is? This place is 10 minutes away from the department."

He said : "Just an old habit. Walking is good for you anyway."

She said : "That's completely true, but I'm supposed to be teaching a class in two minutes. This is perhaps a sign of how rushed our lives have become and how skewed our priorities are, but there are occasions when urgency gets priority over cardio-vascular health. "

He said : "You might not care about your heart, but do I care about mine."

She said : "Then you will do well to park close to the department next time. If I'm ever late again to my class because of you, I will rip your heart out and feed it to the squirrels. "